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January 04, 2009

Random ranting

I marked the passing of 2008 as I have marked every year that's gone before it: By poring over People magazine's annual "Best & Worst" double issue. I always make time for life's little necessities, like wine and meaningless celebrity gossip.

7036_pleasantly_plump_blond_white_lady_in_a_red_bikini_hat_and_sandals_seated_in_a_beach_chair_and_enjoying_summer_weather

So there's a section called "Bikini Moments," featuring the best bikini bodies of the year. Best over 60 is Helen Mirren, best over 40 is Nicolette Sheridan, best bikini after baby is Jessica Alba (seriously, who has a postpartum six-pack?? Hell, who has a prepartum six-pack?). Then we get to best "tweenie bikini," a title earned by High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale. I am so sick of these HSM kids taking over my precious tabloid pages, I can't even tell you. But I digress.

Here's what Ashley - who was born in 1985 - had to say about the honour, and her fondness for wearing small amounts of clothing: "I worked hard for this body so I want to show it off!"

Now, I don't want to sound like the pissed off old lady who lives next door with 42 cats and has a basement full of basketballs that neighbourhood kids have accidentally lobbed over her fence, but... Give me a freaking break, Ashley. You're 23. You didn't go to College so avoided coming face to face (and ass to ass) with the dreaded "Freshman 15." You haven't had a small human being live inside of you and change your body in ways that would horrify you just to think about.

Call me when you're 35 and busting your giant ass to the gym in between working and taking care of your kids and cooking meals that incorporate at least two food groups, all in a futile effort to stave off gravity's cruel betrayal. Maybe then you can slap on your bikini and we can talk about how "hard" you work.

Yowsa. I do sound like that crazy old cat lady, don't I? Ah well. Nothing cures the cranky better than a box of leftover Christmas chocolate. Mm.

(Image: Wacky Stock)

January 4, 2009 | Permalink

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Comments

LMAO! You just rocked my socks off with this one. LOVE IT! I totally agree! I'm only 24 myself but even when I was 16 I couldnt wear her bathing suit. I don't think it would even cover my 2 month old. Actually, I love my body more now after I had my son for the "hard work" it did to bring such a precious gift into the world. My fat ass and strech marks are better looking than her whole body any day because I know I worked hard to get these Mom trophys! Kudos to you and all moms for having and knowing true beauty!

~Erin
Twitter: @erinjeany
ejsmomej[at]gmail[dot]com
http://ejsmomej.blogspot.com/

Posted by: Erin | Jan 4, 2009 5:39:30 PM

You're not that crazy cat lady--I totally thought the exact same thing when I saw Ashley's quote by her teeny body. ;)

Posted by: Erin | Jan 4, 2009 6:12:22 PM

A-to-the-men, sista!!

Oh these young girls.

Such idiots.

Posted by: Em | Jan 4, 2009 7:09:02 PM

LOL!!

Jessica Alba is a little more upsetting though - she has had the baby and still everything stays in the same place!!

Posted by: Laura | Jan 4, 2009 7:28:14 PM

I have never stepped foot into a bikini (and won't ever now after having three kids.) It's all a cry for attention I tell ya'.

Posted by: Brittany | Jan 4, 2009 9:48:14 PM

i never really had a "good" body...well since i was like 14, but that being said, i think the worst thing i can hear coming from a "perfect body" is, "no seriously, i'm just lucky i guess! i eat whatever i want and i just can't gain wieght! exercise, what exactly is that again?" you know what that does to my insides?(yes i admit,it's pure & evil jealousy!) do you know what i want to say those lucky bitches? no...it's a new year,i'm better than that, so i'm not gonna say anything! (although i'm sure you know what i would!)

Posted by: brandee | Jan 5, 2009 9:10:47 AM

amen sister!

Posted by: Brandi | Jan 5, 2009 9:59:19 AM

Hm. You make an interesting point, Brandee. I also cringe at the "Oh this perfectly heaving cleavage and itty bitty waist? Just good genes, I guess!" girls.

So I guess it really does just come down to seething jealousy then. Whatev, I can live with that. Damn those skinny bitches! :p

Posted by: Carolyn | Jan 5, 2009 11:36:56 PM

"Lord, if you cant make me lose weight, make all my friends fat."

Here's my rant: It takes time to be thin. Before I was a mom, I used to have lots of free time to spend on myself. Now my free time can either be spent on a ten minute dump in the bathroom or a two minute wardrobe change, a five minute walk outside and a three minute shower.

Those celebrities make babies and dont even take care of them. Its just an accesory.

ASSES.

Posted by: michelle Hays | Jan 7, 2009 5:55:26 AM

I love to hate those types of magazines.

Usually, I try to stick to the worst dressed lists.

I am totally with you there on the mama body vs the 23 year old body.

Wish I had all the time in the world for personal trainers and chefs.

Posted by: treemama | Jan 7, 2009 6:29:56 AM