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August 26, 2009

Preschool panic

6016_146063812673_548797673_3876273_6841177_n This morning I had to wear a sweater to work. I walked to the bus stop in my flip flops through grass wet with dew, feeling a chill in the air that felt unmistakably like Fall. Already.

While I was hoping to get a bit more use out of that string bikini (ha! haha!) I’m not sad to see the new season on its way in. I love Fall, with its slowly turning leaves and crisp blue skies. Stews and turtlenecks and the return - hallelujah! - of good TV. And this Fall will be unlike any other, because this Fall my Mads starts preschool.

I must admit that for the first time I feel a twinge of heartache over the fact that I’m a working mom. I happily faced up to the fact that I’m not quite SAHM material long ago, but I so badly wish that I could walk her to school, holding her mucky little hand in mine as we cross the street, seeing her take her first tiny steps toward independence, toward experiences that are completely her own.

I didn't think that the whole preschool thing would get to me, but I find myself... well, not exactly bawling, but a little misty-eyed sometimes. I have flashes of myself clinging to a classroom doorknob, dabbing my eyes with a soggy shred of tissue and screeching something along the lines of, "Mommy loves you, Mads! Mommy always loves you!!"

It just seems entirely insane that she is going to exist in the world, out there, without me. On the one hand I'm so completely excited for her, and on the other I'm in an all-out cold-sweat panic. What if they don't appreciate her? What if they don't understand her unique charms, her quirks, her complexities? What if they don't realize that when she falls down it's her pride that's hurt more than her scraped knee... That even though she says she's never scared, sometimes she is... That she desperately needs for things to be fair... That though it can take her ages to get a sentence out, it's always worth waiting for... That she likes to have conversations with her food before she'll eat it. What if they don't recognize the fact that she's perfect and precious? It's taken me 3 1/2 years to get to know her, and most of the time I feel I'm still only just getting there.

I try to tell myself that this is the journey, but honestly, it's not all that comforting. I'm reminded for the thousandth time of a saying I heard before I ever set foot down this parenting path: That in the end our job is to teach our kids to live in the world without us. I guess I just didn't realize it would all start so soon.

August 26, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack

August 18, 2009

Birthday bumps

FlamingBirthdayCake So yesterday was my birthday. I'm not saying that in hopes of getting a bunch of birthday well wishes (okay, that's a lie), but just because it's been cause for reflection and god knows there's not much I love more than reflecting. I'd reflect myself to death if only I had the time. I guess turning 29 (yes, another lie) just gets you to thinking.

If we include the night before in the festivities time frame then my birthday kicked off with a mid-to-massive sized anxiety attack. It started with a difficult bedtime for Mads and ended with me having convinced myself that I am the worst mother to have ever walked the face of the earth. So happy birthday to me. I'll take a tequila and a straitjacket, please.

From there things thankfully got a lot better, though the morning did begin with Mads extremely disappointed that I hadn't decorated the house with "streams and balloons" for her my big day. But after that she and I went to the beach, shared chicken noodle soup and pizza at our favorite kid-friendly restaurant, took an afternoon nap (if by "nap" you mean lying flat on the floor singing as you attempt to kick the door down - that was her, not me) and then headed out for a family dinner. As her gift to me, Mads even went to sleep last night without making it seem as though bedtime were some sort of cruel ancient torture practice.

So, to sum: I closed out 32 questioning my life's path and started 33 feeling like things are just as they should be. Not bad. At this rate I'll have achieved complete spiritual enlightenment and inner peace by next Thursday or so.

August 18, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack

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"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for." ~Jerry Seinfeld.

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